It's ups and downs, ups and downs

This sucks. I am fed up with my massive mood swings for a number of reasons. First of all, I just shouldn't be so dependent for my mood on the whims of someone else. Second, it may all just be in my head anyway. From an objective point of view K has never given me anything other than signals that she really like me, and yet I still feel like I am being kept at a distance, and every time I am pushed back it feels awful. I think she is fantastic, but this is eating me up, and if she is not able to offer that reassurance as part of a compromise, I am not sure I will be able to stay sane while she opens up to let me in. All of my intuition is that "she is just not that into me", whether it's the not calling back thing, or the not willing to stay over.

My logical brain is telling me that this is my cognitive filters looking for the negative, and if I could just tune into the positive all would be well. But it's not that easy. Heart of hearts, I want her to be head over heels in love with me and talking about holidays, marriage and babies, but that's *way* too quick. Part of me respects that she is able to take things this slow, and I wish I could do the same, but right now? I just want a shred of comfort or commitment. Even taking down her profile!

Is this really worth it? It is if she gets there in the end...

Balls.

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Be a man, man

Stuck in my head once again, worried about screwing things up with K. It's stopping me working, which is not good. The thing is, I know she like me a lot, and all of this is in my head. All I want to do though is talk to her about it, which is exactly what will screw things up. I just need to park it, move on, and have a good time with her so she sees me for the man I am, not some scared nervous wreck.

What that means is I need to get my own life, and stop waiting for the call or the text all the time. This is good - it is a healthy challenge and one that I need to get to the next level of personal development. Here's to me doing this for me, and things with K will work out after that as night follows day. I am NOT going to do this for her, but for me.

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Home again

So, it's back home for the big farewell/30th thing. Not quite sure what I
wanted out of the weekend, but so far it is living up to the whole cliche
about not being what you want, but what you need.

I had in mind a night out with my dad, perhaps a few home truths about me
leaving and him, then a dodgy bar. Instead I just got the full gamut of why
I hate this place. A chinese full of obnoxious people, with my hypocritical
dad complaining about loud jews. A bar full of platinum blonde mutton
dressed as lamb and 17 year olds, full of cronies in suits. Then a bar with
the missing generation of late 20s early 30s, all married, all tarted up
and all identikit. Not improved by step-mother and equally sour faced
friend in attendance. Footballers' wives has nothing on this.

Good god get me away from this place.

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Introspection

Well here I am on another work "touchy feely" course to make me a better
person. Actually, I love all this kind of stuff, and am moving more into
doing this sort of work with clients. So what have I learned so far?

We did an interesting exercise where you had to sit down and plot your life
on a time line, showing your highs and lows (above the line when you were
energised and liberated, below the line when you we demotivated and
de-energised. There was then a paired share, so you took turns with a
partner to drill down into emerging patterns and look for what themes and
values you needed to be happy - either what was always there in the good
times, and what was missing in the bad.

This was actually a very useful exercise, and drove me to some insights.
I'd encourage people to try this - ideally with someone else to force them
to question their values. Really ask "why, why, why" - don't let people get
away with glib rationalisations.

The conclusion for me - I need:
- intellectual freedom
- supportive environment
- humour
- direction - a sense I am headed somewhere

What was surprising was that although in my head I have always thought I
needed to be a relationship, these did not even appear on the chart. A very
valuable insight that will help my self esteem and game a great deal.

Update on the rest of my life to follow!

Day 2 with Mrs Robinson

Had my Sunday lunch meeting with the older lawyer - very cute, very funny,
less high maintenance than she thinks she is.

She texted to say she'd be late, so I grabbed a coffee rather than look
like a loser waiting around, and turned up after she did - first time I
have consciously done that - set a different (and helpful) dynamic to have
her waiting for me.

Spent most of the day in heavy comfort building mode - lots of stories
about my little brother to show protector of loved ones etc. Bounced to a
DVD store because she had mentioned the need to stock up (and she had
confessed to a closet love of sci-fi - think I'm in love...) And then onto
an outdoor table at a pub in Covent Garden for a few drinks and very public
make outs. I had been steadily escalating kino from the moment we met, and
again, doing this consciously and watching for reactions really helped
calibrate things.

On for dinner this week, and we'll see if the 7 hour rule holds!

One thing that I should mention, I was able to be a lot more conscious of
this stuff because I was sober, and reading back it all looks quite
clinical. Quite the opposite, I had a fun time and it all felt natural, I
was just more aware of what I was doing. This is encouraging for two
reasons:
(1) I am internalising some of the game stuff, but more importantly,
(2) I am more comfortable occupying that meta-self reflective space that is
the key to "personal mastery" as L. Michael Hall would have it. This goes
way beyond game, but covers the whole of your life, and for me gaming is
just a facet of that journey I am hoping to go on.

Peace out, I should sleep, but as a note to myself, don't let me forget to
cover my new opener, synchronicity, and Sinn's travails...

Reflections on a topsy-turvy weekend

A weekend of ups and downs... Last minute drinks with boys was a laugh on
Friday night, ended up having a curry in Brick Lane - aussie mate was
complaining that he hadn't had a hot curry since getting to the UK, so I
stitched him up with a Faal... He hasn't been able to sit down since! Paid
homage to my Jewish roots with a dozen bagels and a tub of cream cheese
from the all night bakery. Have eaten little else all weekend!

Already posted about the Friend flaking on me. In the end a girl I met
working in Australia called up and wanted me to take her drinking in town,
and asked to go to real English pubs. Hit paydirt with the second one - a
table of drunk council estate girls (mostly cute but trashy for our US
readers) got into a fight with two guys. They were hurling insults at each
other, and not in a cocky funny way. The least attractive girl came up with
"Ikd rather lick a fat woman's pussy than kiss you", which gives you some
idea of the level. We left just as the bouncers chucked the guys out for
smashing a bottle...

Day 2 report to follow...

Hubris

Ah well, if nothing else, it demonstrates the power of the law of attraction (watch the Secret...). Had a funny feeling all day that the Friend was going to bale on me, and sure enough I just got a lame e-mail about losing phone, not having my number and having all sorts of bullshit emergencies to deal with.

On the plus side, I had started to get carried away in my head with the problems that it might cause if we started a relationship just before I went to Sydney, so that problem is solved. Anyone else do this thing where your thoughts get miles ahead of where they should be? A good lesson...

So, do I now make a booty call, go to a friend of a friend's leaving drinks or write the evening off, get some sleep and look forward to Mrs Robinson tomorrow? Torn between the last two... Tempted to sack it and catch up on sleep.

What is interesting though is that I am handling this 1000x better than I would have 1 year ago - a measure of how far I have come on my personal development journey, of which more later...

Happy hunting tonight guys and gals...